*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
You Might Also Like
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.