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Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
My wedding will be open casket.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.