One venti cheeseburger please.
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I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
I feel this so hard
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
time for some seasonal decor