Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
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Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
beware of dog
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.