Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
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[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
New favorite tiktok
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
absolutely not
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.