me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
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Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.