[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
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If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?