the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
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If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
good work, everybody
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.