Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
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Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
*looks at you in batman voice*
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
scared to check what name she chose
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?