I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
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Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR