“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
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That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet