When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
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gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.