If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
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My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*