the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
You Might Also Like
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…