There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
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Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.