Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
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Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.