How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
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[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
the three genders
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me