Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
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This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
I mean…but I did
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.