Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
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I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?