Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
You Might Also Like
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Just me?
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.