just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
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*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that