This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
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*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat