First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
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FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
favorite tropes as memes
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed