Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
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Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.