[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
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your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
The news in a nutshell.