Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
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Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Oh no
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
The only good comments section online is on recipes
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.