A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
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he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
no
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
Lol #dogsoftwitter
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?