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A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*