In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
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FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.