priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
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Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Worst bar ever.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Breaking news:
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Comparing yourself to others
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.