Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
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The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
lost dog
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys