Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
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I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall