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can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”