Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
You Might Also Like
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
This kinda thing happens to me often
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
dutch is not a serious language
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.