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OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
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ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am