Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
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[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Worth a try
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Lunatics are gonna loon.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*