[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
You Might Also Like
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.