I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
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Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.