I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
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Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
The “research” scene in every horror movie
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
I mean…but I did
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?