No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
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Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Just parrot things
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
*jazz hands*
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.