Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
You Might Also Like
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.