Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
You Might Also Like
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point