[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
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I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest