Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
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I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage