[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Many hands make light work
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers