If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
You Might Also Like
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.