Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
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Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Mornin. * use accordingly
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool