When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
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When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
I’m putting together a team
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom