My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
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I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.