I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
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[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
For the baby who has everything
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?